Welcome dear readers to the first post in the Resolution Revolution Blog Series! Today we have the lovely Aviets from Mom Goes On giving us the heads up on the most important New Years resolution you’ll make this year (if you want to live long enough to see the next year that is). So read on, take heed and be sure to leave comments for our guest blogger 🙂
My Gift to You
Post by: Aviets from Mom Goes On
In the spirit of generosity embodied by the Christmas season, I’d like to offer a gift to one and all. I hereby relieve you all of the burden of the New Year’s Resolution. No decisions to make, no lists to write, no painful follow-up, no guilt. I’ll make it SO easy for you that I’m sure you’ll be begging me to help you out again next year.
I have one simple resolution for the entire world. Ready? Here goes:
Stop pissing me off.
By “me,” I mean me, the giver of this amazing resolution. Not you, the resolution-keeper. Because obviously, in this resolution scenario, I am the most important figure.
Perhaps you need a little explanation. I’ll help you out there, too. Never let it be said that I would drop a New Year’s Resolution on the world without providing adequate background and training.
My suggestion is that with every waking moment, you consider how your actions might affect me. For example, when you’re running late and dropping your child off in the circle drive and feel that YOU getting to work on time is more important than ME getting to work on time and you cut to the front of the line, blocking the left lane of the drive and endangering everyone else who’s waiting patiently and safely, remember your resolution. Stop pissing me off.
Here’s another example. When you’re tempted to push your cart into me at the checkout in the grocery store so that you can unload all your Cheetos and Mountain Dew onto the belt about five seconds sooner, making it impossible for me to even reach the card swiper, and you start peering over my shoulder to watch me sign the tiny little screen, remember your resolution and for Pete’s sake give me some personal space. Stop pissing me off.
Not clear yet on how this resolution works? Envision yourself in this scenario so you’ll be able to honor that resolution. When you’ve just read the most amazing safety tip ever about how entering your PIN into an ATM backwards will send out an emergency beacon to the local police if ever a robber forces you to withdraw money from your account, and your mouse is hovering over “share now” in order to save all your friends from this horrific but exponentially unlikely fate, just don’t do it. If you do share this crap you will piss me off with your ignorance, and remember that resolution: Stop pissing me off.
Okay, one final example just so we’re all on the same page. When you make the decision that a) cleaning a litter box is too much trouble and b) your precious kitty cat needs the freedom to roam the neighborhood at will in order to fulfill its predator fantasies, keep in mind that very special resolution I’ve given you for next year. Because guess what? I never wanted a cat, and I sure as $!#& never wanted your cat pooping in my flower beds so that my family can enjoy the aroma of litter box wafting in through our open windows. In other words (say it with me – you need the practice): Stop pissing me off.
One short sentence, four simple words. I am certain this easy-to-remember resolution will go a long way toward bringing peace and harmony to our world. Or at least to my world. And that’s what really matters, now, isn’t it?
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