Woes of the Left-Handed

left handed humour

On the face of it, being left-handed doesn’t seem like such a big deal. Hell, there’s probably millions of lefties in the world, right? At least 30-40% of the population, right?

Um, try 15%.

Ok, so maybe there aren’t as many left-handed people out there as you had originally thought but still, you’re pretty sure being left-handed in a right-handed world can’t be that much of a problem, right?

Right.

Dear hypothetical right-handed person, believe me when I say that there are times when being a leftie truly and totally sucks. How, you ask? Oh let me count the ways…

1) Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is made for righties

Ever try opening a can of chickpeas with a can opener? Was it hard? Probably not. Now try opening the same can of chickpeas with the same can opener using your left hand and let me know how that works out for you. I’ll just stand over here with my headphones firmly planted in my ears till you’re done swearing at that d*mn can opener.

Can opener left handed
I hate you can opener, I really really do

And can openers are the least of your worries. Driving rules, cooking utensils, coffee mugs, iPads, you name it, everything you can think of is made with right handed people in mind. At best this is mildly annoying (like writing with a ballpoint pen), while at worst it’s capable of tipping you over into crazy town (true story).

2) Eating at a small dinner table is a pain

Sharing a small dining table isn’t the most comfortable or non-awkward experience at the best of times but add left handedness to the equation and it’s a whole new level of embarrassing, like unlocking an unwanted ‘bonus’ level in a video game you already despise. Constantly knocking elbows with the person eating next to you makes for a not-so-great dining experience and if you are not a leftie and have never sat next to one at a dinner table either, count yourself lucky. Eventually you’ll either resort to a highly uncomfortable eating posture by pulling your elbows as close to your body as possible while still being able to maneuver a fork, or you’ll simply give up and resign yourself to going home hungry.

um, can I get mine to go?
um, can I get mine to go?

3) School blues

Our school years give us many memories, good and bad, and a part of us will always miss those carefree days of gossiping with friends, skipping classes (admit it, you did it too) and learning a few random snippets of information here and there. As a left-handed person, one thing I definitely won’t miss though is taking notes, or giving a test, or anything that involved writing basically. No, I do not have a phobia of pencils, it’s just that school supplies, like everything else in the world, is made for righties. Writing in a three-ring binder? Nope, can’t do it without either somehow fitting your hand in between the rings while writing or taking the paper out of the binder to write. Spiral notebooks? Nope sorry. Just a loose piece of paper? Well, unless you like smudging everything you just wrote by dragging your writing hand across it as you write, thats not much fun either.

left-hand-with-smudged-ink

As if all that wasn’t enough, schools decided to make life even more uncomfortable for it’s resident lefties by insisting on using these desks, especially in exam halls when you’re stressed enough as it is:

empty-classroom

As a lefty, you had to twist your torso and hunch over that right-hand side desk to manage to actually write anything and let me tell you folks, it’s even more uncomfortable than it sounds.

4) The endless stupid questions

*Watches you struggle with a can opener for ten minutes* ‘Are you left-handed?’ No no, I just like making my life as difficult as possible, don’t you?

‘Do you do [insert random action here] left handed as well?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And [insert another random action]?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And [insert another random action]?’ ‘…..’

‘But have you ever tried writing/eating/shaving a goat with your right-hand? Maybe you just haven’t tried it.’ Dude, what part of ‘BORN left-handed’ do you not understand? It’s not a CHOICE.

‘Did you know it’s a sin to eat with your left hand?’ Do you mind shutting up so I can concentrate on not killing you right now?

5) Life is short (literally)

Left-handed people being more prone to psychosis aside, in the end being left-handed isn’t the absolute worst thing to be, right? I mean sure it’s annoying, frustrating or discomfort-inducing, but so what? A lot of things are, not just things specific to lefties. It’s not like being a lefty will kill you, right?

I spoke too soon didn’t I?

Yes, yes I did.

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