Being a mom is a mixed bag of tricks to be sure, motherhood being simultaneously the best and worst experience of your life (if thats possible). But all that aside, being a first time mom is a category all on its own and you can always spot a first time mom (or FTM as the internet likes to refer to us) from a mile away. How do you do that you ask, my hypothetical-and-probably-non-existant reader? Why, by looking out for these tell-tale signs of course. But be warned dear readers, spotting a FTM in the wild is easy enough, but tread carefully because these seemingly harmless creatures can turn hostile or hysterical (and sometimes both at the same time) at the bat of an eye and you do NOT want to be within a 5 mile radius when that happens.
1) The ‘Time Away from Baby’ Dilemma
A first time mom’s most obvious giveaway is her love-hate relationship with time away from baby. She may complain incessantly about her lack of a social life, her desire to go out and have some grown up conversation for a change (trust me, the baby-talk can drive you crazy after a few weeks) or her desperate need to have a date-night without baby in tow, but be warned, the minute she actually does manage to ‘get away’ for a few hours, she will spend the entire time obsessing over what her little one might be doing (or not doing), repeatedly texting or calling up whoever she left the baby with, and in short not managing to enjoy her much sort after time-away as much as she thought she would. Apparently, this particular trait gets better with time, or at least thats what I’ve been told. Me, it’s been two months and I’m still driving my husband crazy by endlessly alternating between ‘I need to get away and have some grownup conversation for a change!’ and ‘lets go home early, I’m worried she might get constipated if a stay away too long! (and yes, I actually said that at one point, and no, I don’t need therapy). which of course brings me to…
Maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m the only crazy one, but man do I get excited over the baby pooping. Let me explain, I’m not a poop fetishist, its just that the little one gets constipated often so when she poops normally, it’s a good thing. Only a FTM would get so excited over someone else’s poop and NOT mind cleaning up poopy diapers. Most moms I know hate cleaning up poopy diapers above all else, but not FTM, for them, everything to do with baby is non-hateable (is that a word?). So the next time you see a mom in a public bathroom exclaiming ‘what nice poop my baby has made! good baby!’ while cooing over the changing table, rest assured you have spotted the FTM in the wild.
3) OD on Baby Apps
Only a FTM will manage to have the time (or worry enough) to spend every free minute reading (and re-reading) articles and discussions on Baby Center, What to Expect and other such websites (whose apps she obviously has on her smartphone for easier access). And only a FTM will end up obsessing over every possible thing that could possibly go wrong, no matter how slim the chances of any such thing happening might be, and giving herself mini heart attacks every time the baby so much as looks at her funny. Case in point: me when the baby isn’t napping ‘Why isn’t she sleeping? what’s wrong with her? Maybe she’s sick, call the doctor!’ Me when the baby is napping: ‘She’s been sleeping for two hours straight, do you think she might be sick? call the doctor!’
4) The Doctor Speed Dial
I’m sure all moms have their paediatrician on speed dial and it’s not only FTM, but FTM are more likely to harass the poor man or woman on the other end of the line with incessant questions, queries and bouts of hysteria brought on by the baby sneezing that one time last night, to the point where the poor doctor has to calmly explain to the mother that she in fact has a healthy baby (thank God) and to stop worrying so much (true story).
5) ‘You Think I’m a Bad Mother, Don’t You?’ *bursts into tears*
All moms are likely to get defensive when any one criticises their child rearing methods and choices and/or gives them unasked for advice, but FTM seem to be even more sensitive in this area then other mothers. So yes, I know I may be over reacting when I accuse my husband of calling me a bad mother and bursting into tears when all he did was ask why the baby was crying, but I just can’t seem to help it.
Hmmm.. maybe I do need that therapy after all >.<